"I'll Never Let You Go."I loved her more than there were blades of grass or grains of sand. Deeper than depths of the ocean. Stronger than the fiercest winds, the heaviest rains, and even the wrath of God himself. I was Samson and she was the strength that was embedded within my locks. Without her, I was so weak you could knock me down with a feather.
Her name was Ava Marie Jordan. She was my daughter, who unfortunately passed an untimely death...way before she or I was ready (although, no parent is ever truly ready to bury their child). No sooner than she turned seven years old did the good Lord take her back up to heaven, and with them left fragments of my heart, soul, spirit, and essence. Every day was harder to get through, each morning was more difficult to get out of bed, I wouldn't eat anything. Just lay there, completely silent and shedding quiet tears. I began to question everything. Is there a God? Is he watching? Is she watching? Are they watching now? If not, what are we doing? Where are we going? What are we doing now? What was the point of me going on, walking through an empty house, not hearing my daughter's laughter; not having to make dinosaur shaped pancakes, and check her homework. What was the use of going to work if I didn't have to buy her any toys or save up money so she could have a chance to go to college? I questioned what kind of parent I was and why did I have to screw up the one person who loved me unconditionally and saw the good in me when everyone else gave up on me?! I was going insane. Instantly my mind started replaying our memories together. I remember when I first held her. She was beautiful and could scream quite loudly. When it came time potty train her, she thought it was funny to take off her Pull-Up and run around the house stark naked. Looking back, it was funny. So many vivid memories flared up and it was almost like she was still there. It felt like she was wiping my tears away and begging me to eat my vegetables just like I did with her. I could hear her ask me, "Daddy, why aren't you eating?" or "Daddy, please don't cry. Daddies aren't supposed to cry. Right, dad?" I could feel her little hands try to reach around me and hug me. But then reality set in and I was alone, in the den, looking at our old photo albums, and I cried over and over again. I could feel my existence slowly start to dwindle away. I kept remembering the first nightmare she had after hearing a scary story when she went to a slumber party. Her crying into my arms and making me promise her that "mosters don't exist." I remembered her laugh and her smile. One of her two front teeth came out and was slowly coming back in. I remembered her clutching on to my shirt and crying. And I told her, "As long as I'm around, no one will hurt you," She wiped her eyes and said, "Really, Daddy?" "Of course!" I exclaimed. "How about when you're not around?" "Well, I'll always be around, even if you don't see me." "How, Daddy?" "Well, Princess, whenever you feel lonely or scared and I'm not there, just think about today, when I wiped away your tears and held you close to my heart." "Okay, Daddy." "I will hold you in my arms, even when I don't have you." "And I'll hold you in my arms too, Daddy." "That's right, baby girl." "Daddy?," she looked up at me with those big, green eyes. "Yes?" "Promise me you'll never let me go." "I promise, baby." "No, Daddy. Say it!" "Ava, I PROMISE. I will NEVER let you go, baby. Okay?" "Okay." "Good," I smiled at her. "Oh yeah, and Daddy?" "Yes, darling." "I'll never let you go either." Remembering that conversation broke me down and lifted my spirits at the same time. I cried, but I could still feel her in my arms, wiping my tears away and telling me that she still hadn't let me go yet. I knew I had to get myself together. If not for me, for Ava Marie because she deserves a strong Dad and even though strong men cry, they don't wallow in their own misery. My love for my daughter will never dissipate. Nor will it dwindle. The memory of my daughter and late wife will forever be in my mind but I cannot stop living. They were my life, but now it's time for me to start living again. |